Fear and Loathing in Brisvegas
Yup, there was fear. Yup, there was loathing. I had two incidents of being unwell. This is unusual. I whinge a lot, and don't feel completely on top of things, but actually going down in pain...rare.
Well, it usen't to be rare but I did make some radical shifts in my behaviour in the late 1980's that mean I survived the next two decades. I had good indication this may not be the case otherwise. Anyway...short story.. I got ill.... twice.. and was fearful and loathing going to do my 'visits'..
Having been locked behind the fire door of one of the prettiest acute mental health units due to a cigarette butt somehow making it's way into the airconditioning vent after witnessing a large unkempt man under heavy sedation (due to violent outbursts) being strapped by thick leather belts with large shiny buckles to a gurney to be taken for Electro Shock Therapy I just didn't want to go back there...
I know call me a quitter..but there you go, I resigned. It seemed the only way of getting out from under the bedcovers.
To wake up each day and fight myself to function was getting harder to do..I am a worthy opponent.
So.. now I 'just teach' part time. Thank heavens..and have been exhausted since making the decision. I think the whole moving states, (from denial to reality.. no WA to QLD)., completing my degree, getting four jobs, working for various amounts of time in them and getting other jobs, moving house four times,... I am over IT!!
So .... there you go. I would have posted earlier but haven't been able to answer the phone let alone blogg... too tired.. only enough energy to teach (well,.. am teaching )... Of course it's only when in this state that the activities (with other people) roll in and then I need to cancel up big time 'cos "she's not going anywhere for a wee while".."Wendy's not allowed out to play today".
Did the trick though.. another Ashleigh Brilliant saying..:
"It's amazing how exhaustion is cured by something called 'rest'".
Another of my favourite quips of his is:
"If I do everything today that is due tommorow, the last day of my life will be completely free"..
Well I need to find a new way of functioning 'cos that method will kill you!
So- I know it';s not very interesting for readers of this blogg but there you go .. reality is like that. ('cept when it's on TV)
Next time I go out I think I might take my body with me- take it out for a stroll... amazing how fast you can go if you run on what is possible by logical deduction rather than negotiation with real issues, like "Am I too tired", "Do I need to socialize, eat, exercise, see a movie...,sleep?"
I slowly learn as a human it's not like organizing a production line for a machine..Just keep on producing and when the tool wears out replace it with a new one..My cells don't replace themselves fast enough for my agenda.
Well, it usen't to be rare but I did make some radical shifts in my behaviour in the late 1980's that mean I survived the next two decades. I had good indication this may not be the case otherwise. Anyway...short story.. I got ill.... twice.. and was fearful and loathing going to do my 'visits'..
Having been locked behind the fire door of one of the prettiest acute mental health units due to a cigarette butt somehow making it's way into the airconditioning vent after witnessing a large unkempt man under heavy sedation (due to violent outbursts) being strapped by thick leather belts with large shiny buckles to a gurney to be taken for Electro Shock Therapy I just didn't want to go back there...
I know call me a quitter..but there you go, I resigned. It seemed the only way of getting out from under the bedcovers.
To wake up each day and fight myself to function was getting harder to do..I am a worthy opponent.
So.. now I 'just teach' part time. Thank heavens..and have been exhausted since making the decision. I think the whole moving states, (from denial to reality.. no WA to QLD)., completing my degree, getting four jobs, working for various amounts of time in them and getting other jobs, moving house four times,... I am over IT!!
So .... there you go. I would have posted earlier but haven't been able to answer the phone let alone blogg... too tired.. only enough energy to teach (well,.. am teaching )... Of course it's only when in this state that the activities (with other people) roll in and then I need to cancel up big time 'cos "she's not going anywhere for a wee while".."Wendy's not allowed out to play today".
Did the trick though.. another Ashleigh Brilliant saying..:
"It's amazing how exhaustion is cured by something called 'rest'".
Another of my favourite quips of his is:
"If I do everything today that is due tommorow, the last day of my life will be completely free"..
Well I need to find a new way of functioning 'cos that method will kill you!
So- I know it';s not very interesting for readers of this blogg but there you go .. reality is like that. ('cept when it's on TV)
Next time I go out I think I might take my body with me- take it out for a stroll... amazing how fast you can go if you run on what is possible by logical deduction rather than negotiation with real issues, like "Am I too tired", "Do I need to socialize, eat, exercise, see a movie...,sleep?"
I slowly learn as a human it's not like organizing a production line for a machine..Just keep on producing and when the tool wears out replace it with a new one..My cells don't replace themselves fast enough for my agenda.
posted by miss wendy at 6:31 PM
3 Comments:
Ah, now I understand. Love to see you whenever you feel that way inclined again. :) Rest up, my dear. Love to you. xx
Ewes two are too kind..honestly.. shucks ..
Dan : possibly you not noticing says more about your generous soul than it does about me!..anyway yesterday I managed to do the washing!! so lovely to get into clean sheets..a favourite thing of mine.. (just not so favourite that it happens as often as I'd like!).. taught last night and today..still finding it not fun.. I don't think I am cut out for it really.. as I said a few posts ago.. a corpse .. I'd be good at that.. Actually this must've been going on ad nauseum 'cos a friend of mine gave me a book years ago called Wombat magic (Meme Fox, I think) where the wombat tries all sorts of ways to join in with the Christmas pagent and has all sorts of trouble until falling asleep in the cradle and thereby finding thier perfect solution.. so there you go ..I am proficient at sleeping! W)
I hope you're feeling better now dude, hang in there. Depression is a filthy beast but you are a tough cookie. Or biscuit, seein' as how you're Australian.
Don't y'all say "biscuit?"
Love from NYC.
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